Lucky Staria
by mikata88
Summary: The girls from Lucky Star act out Daria, with a few familiar faces thrown in for good measure.    Note: I own nothing.
1. Chapter 1

Lucky Star-ia Version 1.0

_(Fade in on exterior of the Hiiragi family car. Tadao is driving his daughters to school; Tsukasa is riding shotgun, Kagami is in the back seat)_

Tadao - Girls, I just want you to know your mother and I realize it's not easy moving to a whole new town - especially for you, Kagami, right?

Kagami - Did we move?

(Please note that everything Kagami says is meant to be taken sarcastically.)

Tadao - _(laughs)_ I'm just saying you don't make friends as easily as... uh, some people.

_(Tsukasa turns radio up)_

Kagami - Tsukasa, for instance?

Tadao- That's not what I meant... necessarily. _(turns radio off)_ My point is, the first day at a new school is bound to be difficult...

_(Kagami turns Discman on and cranks the volume)_

Kagami - _(shouts)_ Speak up, Dad! Can't hear you!

Tadao - Uh, where was I? Oh, yeah...

_(car arrives at school)_

Tadao - Don't get upset if it takes the other kids a little while to warm up to you.

_(Tsukasa exits the car, and is immediately noticed by the other students)_

Satsuki (Stacy) – Oh my gosh! Is that Kamigishi?

Tsukasa, demurely - I'm…not Kamigishi…I'm Hiiragi.

Shinju (Sandy) - Cool name.

Boy - Will you go out with me?

Kagami, getting a sweat drop - I'll try to help her through this difficult period of adjustment. _(exits car)_

Tadao - That's my girl! Wait a minute...

Kagami - See you, Dad.

_(Kagami walks through the crowd; the students are oblivious to her presence)_

_(in school hallway; Ms. Li, the principal, is giving the new students a tour of the school)_

Ms. Li - As you can see, our Ryou-ou High School students take great pride in their school. That's why you'll each be taking a small psychological exam to spot any little clouds on the horizon as you sail the student seas of Ryou-ou High.

Kagami - S.O.S., girl overboard.

_(the girl standing next to her frowns and moves away from her)_

Tsukasa, panicking - Nobody told me about the test!

Kagami - Don't worry. It's a psychological test. You're automatically exempt.

Tsukasa, relaxing - Oh. All right.

_(in the counselor's office; Tsukasa, Kagami, and the counselor herself are seated at a table)_

Counselor - Now, Tsukasa-chan... what do you see here? _(holds up a photo)_

Tsukasa – I…think it's a picture of two people talking.

Counselor - That's right. Can you make up a little story about what it is they're discussing?

Tsukasa, officiously - I'm not even supposed to be taking this test. I'm exempt.

Counselor - You won't be graded.

Tsukasa - Oh. Okay, then. Let's see... they've been going out for a while, and he's upset because other people keep asking her out, and she saying she can't help it if she's attractive and popular, and besides, nobody ever said they were going steady, and if he does want to go steady he's got to do a lot better than movie, burger, back seat, movie, burger, back seat, because there are plenty of guys with bigger back seats waiting to take her someplace nice!

Counselor - Very good! Now, Kyou-chan, let's see if you can make up a story as vivid as your sister's.

Kagami – Uh, you read that as "Kagami".

Counselor, a little annoyed - I'm sorry... Kagami. What do you see in the picture, Kagami-chan?

Kagami - Uh... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

Counselor - Uh, there aren't any ponies. It's two people.

Kagami - Last time I took one of these tests, they told me they were clouds. They said they could be whatever I wanted.

Counselor - That's a different test, dear. In this test, they're people, and you tell me what they're discussing.

Kagami - Oh... I see. All right, then. It's a guy and a girl and they're discussing... a herd of beautiful wild ponies running free across the plains.

_(The Counselor scowls and slowly lowers the photo as Kagami smirks)_

_(bell rings)_

_(in Mr. Temari's class)_ or Mr. Demartino from Daria

Mr. Temari - Class, we have a new _**student**_ joining us today. Please welcome Hiiragi _**Kagami**_-san. Ms. Hiiragi, raise your hand, please.

_(Kagami raises hand)_

Mr. Temari - _**Well,**_ Ms. Hiiragi! As long as you have your hand raised... _(chuckles evilly)_ Last week we began a unit on the First _**Sino**_-Japanese war. Perhaps you feel it's _**unfair**_ to be asked a question on your first day of class.

Kagami - Excuse me?

Mr. Temari – Ms. Hiiragi, can you concisely and unemotionally sum up for us the circumstances that _**led **_to the aforementioned war?

Daria – Yes. During the Meiji Era, following the western introduction in 1854, Japan sought to protect its assets in mainland Asia by setting its sights on Korea. Naturally, this action was met with some opposition from its mainland neighbors.

Mr. Temari - Very good, Hiiragi. Almost... suspiciously good. All right, class. Who can tell me _**who **_exactly we fought the First Sino-Japanese War _**against**_? _(spots a boy in a football uniform, who's seated next to a blonde cheerleader)_ Kevin-kun! How about you, Mr. _**Foreign Exchange Student**_?

Kevin – Uh…America?

Mr. Temari - That came a little later, Kevin...a _**hundred years**_ later. A lot of good men died in World War II, Kevin. I believe we _**owe**_ it to them to _**at least get the century right!**_

Kevin - Uh... the U.S.S.R?

Mr. Temari - Son, promise me you'll come back and see me some day when you've got the _**Heisman trophy**_ and a chain of _**auto dealerships,**_ and _**I'm**_ saving up for a _**second pair of pants!**_ Will you promise me that, Kevin?

Kevin - Sure!

Patty - Can I come, too? I mean, if Kevin and I are still together.

Kevin - We will be, babe. We will be.

Mr. Temari - _(talks as if speaking to a small child)_ Ahh... Patty-chan. Can you guess who we fought against for control of Korea during the First Sino-Japanese War?

Patty - Mmm... no.

Mr. Temari - _(losing patience)_ Please try, Patricia Martin.

Patty- Uh... the Viet Cong?

_(Mr. Temari is now barely restraining his temper)_

Mr. Temari - Either someone gives me the answer, or I give you all double homework and a quiz tomorrow. I want a volunteer with the answer. _**Now!**_

_(Kagami sighs and raises her hand)_

Mr. Temari - _**Kagami, stop showing off!**_

_(Kagami slowly lowers her hand, a look of exasperation on her face)_

_(at Kagami's house; the family is eating dinner)_

Tsukasa - Then they asked me to join the pep squad. They said I didn't have to try out or anything, but I said, "Look, I'm new here. Give me a chance to get used to things." So, for now, I'm vice president of the Fashion Club, and that's it.

Tadao - Sounds like a well-thought out decision, honey.

Miki- As long as you can join pep squad later - if you want. Never know how much we can handle till we try, though.

Tadao - What about you, Kagami? How was your first day?

Kagami - Well, my history teacher hates me because I know all the answers, but there _are_ some interesting morons in my class.

Tadao - That's great!

Miki - Honey!

Tadao - I mean...

Miki - Kagami, your father's trying to tell you not to judge people until you know them. You're in a brand-new school in a brand-new town. You don't want it to be Tokyo all over again.

Kagami - Not much chance of that happening... unless there's uranium in the drinking water _here_, too.

Miki - I'm talking about you making a friend or two. Don't be so critical. Give people the benefit of the doubt.

Kagami - It all boils down to trust.

Miki - Exactly. It all boils down to trust. Show a little trust.

Kagami - Mom... Dad... you're right. Can I borrow either car?

Miki and Tadao, in unison - No.

_(phone rings; Miki gets up to answer it)_

Tsukasa – Oh no, I hope that's not the booster society _again_.

Miki - _(answers phone)_ Hello? _(beat)_ Yes. _(beat)_ Uh, yes, she's my daughter. _(beat)_ I see. Listen, will this require any parent-teacher conferences or anything, and if so, is this the sort of thing my assistant can handle? _(beat)_ Okay, great. Bye! _(hangs up)_ You girls took a psychological test at school today?

Tsukasa - They said we wouldn't be graded!

Miki - Kagami, they want you to take a special class for a few weeks, then they'll test you again.

Tsukasa, amazed - _Kagami_ flunked a test?

Miki - She didn't flunk anything. It seems she has low self-esteem.

Tadao - What? That really stinks, Kagami!

Miki - Easy, dear. Focus. _(to Kagami)_ We tell you over and over again that you're wonderful and you just... don't... get it! _(slams fists on table)_ What's wrong with you?

Tsukasa - Is she going to have, like, a breakdown or something? 'Cause that could really mess me up with my new friends.

Kagami - Don't worry. I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake.

Tadao - I'll say!

Daria - I have low esteem for everybody else.

_(in self-esteem class; Mr. Oishi/O'Neill is at the front desk, with about a half-dozen students scattered throughout the room)_

Mr. Oishi - Esteem... a teen. They don't really rhyme, do they? The sounds don't quite mesh. And that, in fact, is often the case when it comes to a teen and esteem. The two just don't seem to go together. But we are here to begin realizing your actuality...

_(Kagami, who had been taking notes, stops and frowns in confusion, then raises her hand)_

Mr. Oishi - ...and when we do, each and every one of you will be able to stand proudly and proclaim, "I am." Now, before we...

Kagami - Excuse me. I have a question.

Mr. Oishi - Sorry, question and answer time is later.

Kagami - What the heck does "realizing your actuality"…mean?

Mr. Oishi - It means... look, just let me get through this part, okay? Then there'll be a video! _(to entire class)_ Before we unlock your potential...

_(a blue-haired girl leans forward to speak to Kagami)_

Konata - He doesn't know what it means. He's got the speech memorized. Just enjoy the nice man's soothing voice.

Kagami - How am I supposed to follow him if I don't know what the heck he's saying?

Konata - I can fill you in later. I've taken this course six times.

_(walking home)_

Konata - So, then, after the role-playing, next class they put the girls and the guys in separate rooms and a female counselor talks to us about body image.

Kagami - What do they talk to the guys about?

Konata – Hmm…A classroom full of guys and a male teacher?

_(both girls stop walking)_

Konata and Kagami, in unison – Boners.

_(they resume walking)_

Kagami - I don't get it, Konata. You've got the entire course memorized. How come you can't pass the test to get out?

Konata - I could pass the test, but I like having low self-esteem. It makes me feel special.

_(at Kagami's house; Kagami walks in the front door, and is surprised to see Miki standing in the living room)_

Miki – Welcome home, honey.

Kagami - Mom? You feeling all right? It's not even 5:00 yet.

Miki - I'm taking the rest of the day off to work with you on your self-esteem.

Kagami - _("uh-oh")_ Mom, I'm in the care of experts. Any meddling by an amateur could be dangerous.

Miki – Now, I don't pretend I'm going to cure you, but if a lack of mother-daughter bonding is part of your problem, we're going to remedy that right now. We're going out to do something _you_ want to do.

_(at one of the many clothing stores in Harajuku)_

_(Miki emerges from a dressing room, wearing a blue "power suit")_

Miki - What do you think of this one?

Kagami - It stands proudly and proclaims "I am."

Miki - Really?

_(at school)_

_(Kagami and Konata are walking down the hall; they pass Tsukasa and some boy talking by the lockers)_

Boy - So... like, what do you like to do after school?

Tsukasa - Oh, nothing special. Go to the movies... or, like, a theme park... or out for a really fancy meal now and then... or maybe go to a concert, if, like, I know somebody who's got good seats and is renting a limo and stuff.

Konata - You hear that? That poor sap hasn't got a prayer.

Kagami - Tell me about it. That's my sister.

Konata - Oh. That sucks.

Boy - So, you've got any brothers or sisters?

Tsukasa - I'm an only child.

_(Kagami gets a sour look on her face)_

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

_Chapter Two_

_(in self-esteem class)_

_(Mr. Oishi is up front, as usual; Kagami and Konata are passing a drawing back and forth)_

Mr. Oishi - So, what are we talking about when we talk about ourselves? Anyone? _(points to a boy)_ Yes.

Boy - We're... talking about us!

Mr. Oishi - Excellent! When we talk about "ourselves" we're talking about "us." Now, guys, I've got a little challenge for you. Today we talked about turning your daydreams into reality. Tonight, I want each one of you to go home and do just that. What do you say? Um... you. _(points to Kagami)_ What's a daydream that you'd like to see come true?

Kagami - Well, I guess I'd like my whole family to do something together for a change.

Mr. Oishi - Excellent!

Kagami - Something that will really make them suffer.

Mr. Oishi - Uh... it's healthy to air these feelings... I think. _(bell rings)_ We'll talk more about this tomorrow. Class dismissed.

_(students file out the door)_

Konata - Nice one, Kagamin.

Kagami - Thanks.

_(Mr. Oishi picks up the discarded drawing, and becomes concerned: it's a drawing of an ice cream cone with his face on it, being attacked by a rabid wolf)_

_(at Kagami's house; the family is eating dinner)_

Tadao - How's the old self-esteem coming, kiddo?

Kagami - My self-esteem teacher says that being addressed all my life with childish epithets like "kiddo" is probably a key source of my problem.

Tadao - _(distressed)_ Really?

Kagami - No.

Tadao - _(laughs)_ Isn't she great? She's the greatest.

Miki - She sure is. But what does your self-esteem teacher say?

Kagami - He says I should think back to circumstances that brought me happiness as a child and replicate them... but I guess Tsukasa's here to stay.

Tsukasa - What's _that_ supposed to mean?

Kagami - You ought to know. _You're_ the only child.

Tsukasa, angry - How would you like to have a sister with a... a "thing"!

Miki - Come on, Kagami dear, finish what you were saying.

Kagami - I thought, why don't we go to Pixie Land like we did when we were kids?

_(Miki, Tadao, and Tsukasa begin to freak out)_

Tsukasa – That awful theme park with the singing freaks in costumes?

Kagami - Boy, do I miss those songs.

_(at the Pixie Land theme park)_

_(the Hiiragis are seated at a booth; Miki and Tadao are slightly nauseated, Tsukasa is mightily pissed off, and Kagami is enjoying every minute of their torture as the animal singers implore them to join in)_

Kagami - _(sings the Japanese Frog Song with English lyrics)_ I-can-hear-the-frogs-sing-ing,

I-can-hear-the-frogs-sing-ing… _(smirks)_

_(at Konata's house)_

_(Konata and Kagami are in Konata's room; the TV is muted as the stereo plays on)_

Kagami – Hey. Show's back on.

_(Konata clicks the music off and un-mutes the TV)_

ZS Announcer - And now, back to _Zetsubou Sekai._

(literally, "Despair World")

_(the ZS logo is replaced by the image of a woman and a very elderly man, each seated in high-backed leather chairs in a fancy-looking study)_

ZS Reporter - This is just astounding! Here you are, blind, deaf, and barely able to walk, yet you conducted simultaneous affairs with _three_ members of the British Royal Family! The question on all of our viewers' minds is: how did you do it?

Old Man - _(leans forward)_ What?

Konata - She doesn't get it. It's the British Royal Family. You'd _have_ to be blind.

Kagami – Nice one.

Konata, leaning in for a knuckle bump - Bump it.

_(the TV image now shifts to an overview of otaku-choked Akihabara)_

ZS Reporter - Akihabara, once sneered at as the domain of so-called "otaku," has become big, big business, drawing hundreds of thousands of people each year, people as sane and rational as you and I, who come simply to satisfy a normal curiosity about the lifestyles of this fascinating subculture.

_(a nerdy-looking kid with a big nose steps into view)_

Akito - Hi! I'm Akito.

ZS Reporter – Hello there. Tell me, what brought you here today, Akito-san?

Akito - It was a cone-shaped craft about 15 feet long, with an air speed of, oh, I'd estimate Mach 12. They kidnapped and stripped me, examined me briefly, returned my clothes, and dropped me here.

ZS Reporter - _(skeptical)_ I... see.

Akito - They cleaned my uniform. And did a nice job.

Kagami – Hey, Konata: You know all the answers to the questions on the release test, right?

Konata – Yeah, I've got them all in my notebook. Why do you ask?

Kagami - Well, why don't we just take the test tomorrow and get out of the class once and for all?

Konata – But then how would I spend my afternoons?

Kagami - Akihabara.

Konata, excited – Yeah! _Now_ we're cookin' with gas!

_(in self-esteem class)_

_(Mr. Oishi is once again holding court to his captive audience)_

Mr. Oishi - And so, for tomorrow, I want you to make a list of ten ways the world would be a sadder place if you weren't in it.

Boy – Oishi-sensei, Oishi-sensei?

Mr. Oishi - Yes, um... you.

Boy - Is that if we'd never been born, or if we died suddenly and unexpectedly?

Mr. Oishi - Never been born. _(bell rings)_ See you all tomorrow! _(to Konata and Kagami, who have stayed behind)_ Hi! Did you need clarification on something we covered today?

Kagami - We feel really good about ourselves.

Konata – We've both decided to take the graduation test.

Mr. Oishi - Well! I'm glad your self-image meter is on the uptick! But there's still three more weeks of class left.

Kagami - This first week has been a real eye-opener. It must be the way you teach.

Mr. Oishi - _(flattered)_ Oh, well... thank you very much. _(to Konata)_ You know, you look familiar somehow...

Kagami - So can we take the test?

Mr. Oishi - Well, it's not the way we usually do it, but... I guess so. _(grabs test)_ Okay, question one: "Self-esteem is important because..."

Kagami, reciting from memory - It's a quality that will stand us in good stead the rest of our lives.

Mr. Oishi - Very good. Now, "The next time I start to feel bad about myself..."

Konata, reciting - Stand before the mirror, look myself in the eye and say, "You are special. No one else is like you."

Mr. Oishi - You two really have been paying attention! Okay, "There's no such thing..."

Kagami - As the right weight.

Konata - Or the right height.

Kagami and Konata, in unison – There is only what is right for me, because me is who I am.

Mr. Oishi - I don't think we have to go any farther. I am really pleased! I think the whole school needs to hear about this at assembly!

_(the girls' faces fall as they realize their plan has backfired in a big way)_

_(in the school auditorium)_

_(Ms. Li is at the podium; the teachers are seated behind her, with Konata and Kagami seated at the far end)_

Ms. Li - And once again, the bake sale was a tremendous success. We raised more than 40,000 Yen, which was subsequently stolen from the office, but I am confident we will get that money back. In a related note, the school nurse will be visiting homerooms tomorrow to collect DNA samples. Now, Mr. Oishi has exciting news about our after-school self-esteem class.

_(Mr. Oishi stands and approaches the podium, to meager applause)_

Kagami - This is really going to help me gradually ease into student life.

Konata – Hmm…Usually when I have this dream I'm butt naked.

Mr. Oishi - Thank you. You know, self-esteem is a little like your car's brake fluid. You may not even know you're low on it until, one day, you go to shift gears and nothing happens.

Kid - _(yells)_ That's transmission fluid!

_(tittering and catcalls from audience)_

Mr. Oishi - That's... what I meant. Anyway, I'd like you to meet two students who have completed our self-esteem course faster than anyone ever before! Please join me in congratulations as I present these certificates of self-esteem to... Izumi Konata and Hiiragi Kyou.

_(meager applause)_

Konata - Oh, what the heck. _(steps up to podium)_

_(meager applause dies)_

Konata - I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have self-esteem gives me even more self-esteem. _(smirks and glances at Kagami, then turns on the histrionics)_ On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel... kind of bad... like a big failure or something.

_(audience begins chuckling at Konata's behavior as Kagami looks on, approvingly)_

Konata - I, uh…(blushing and bursting into tears on command) I want to go home! _(lets out some exaggerated sobs, complete with arm to forehead, and runs off the stage)_

_(audience laughs as Mr. Oishi runs after her)_

Mr. Oishi – Kyou-kun, wait!

Kagami - _(steps up to podium)_ No one can battle a terrible problem like low self-esteem on their own. It takes good coaching...

_(in the audience, Tsukasa is seated between two boys, looking bored and a little uneasy)_

Guy - Who cares about these losers?

Kaoru - Hey, beats algebra, though, doesn't it? _(chortles and high-fives his buddy)_ Did you hear what I said, Hii-chan? I said, like, who cares how bad this is - it's still better than algebra!

Guy – Nice one, Kaoru. _(cackles)_

Tsukasa, uneasy – Yeah, funny. That's really funny, Kaoru.

Kagami, uninterrupted - ...realize my actuality. Winning the fight against low self-esteem takes support... from teachers, from friends, and most of all, from family.

Kaoru - Is that loser still talking? _(cackles and high-fives his buddy again)_

Kagami - And so, the one person I'd like to thank more than any other is my very own sister, Tsukasa Hiiragi. _(audience gasps; Tsukasa's jaw drops to the floor)_ My _sister_ Tsukasa has forgotten more about self-esteem than I'll ever know. Are you out there, _sis_? Stand up and let me thank you.

_(Two spotlights come down directly on Tsukasa, who cringes and tries to hide as her friends turn to gape at her)_

Kaoru - That, like, brain is your sister?

Kid - Are you a brain, too?

_(Kagami smirks)_

_(at Kagami's house)_

_(the family is at the kitchen table; Tsukasa is having a royal fit)_

Tsukasa - So then, she gets up in front of the whole school and makes a big deal about thanking _me_!

Miki - That's really sweet of you, honey.

Tadao – Yeah, Good for you, Kagami!

Tsukasa - Ooooh! _(slams fists on table)_ I'll have to lock myself in my room until I die! I'll never talk to anyone again! _(phone rings)_ That's for me. _(picks up phone)_ Hello? Masahiro-kun? _(walks out of kitchen)_

Tadao - What was she so upset about, exactly?

Kagami - She felt I should have thanked you and Mom as well.

Miki - No, we should thank _you_ for being such a good girl. Graduating from self-esteem school three weeks early is quite an achievement.

Kagami - Maybe we should all go out and celebrate.

Miki - Oh, I'd love to, Kagami, but... _(holds up her day planner)_

Tadao - Yeah. We'll take a rain check, though.

Kagami - I don't know. My self-esteem feels like it's starting to slip.

_(in Akihabara)_

_(the Hiiragis are in attendance; once again, Miki and Tadao look uneasy, while Tsukasa would rather be anywhere else, and Kagami is basking in their humiliation)_

Kagami - Let's go get our picture taken with Sergeant Frog.

Tadao - Uh... sure, honey. Whatever you want. _(Kagami, Tadao, and Miki walk off-screen)_

Miki _(O.S.)_ – Tsukasa, are you coming?

Tsukasa - I'll wait here... or in the ladies' room…or maybe back at the train stop.

Tadao _(O.S.)_ - Okay. We'll be right back.

_(a familiar-looking boy walks up to Tsukasa)_

Akito - Hi! I'm Akito. You're cool.

Tsukasa- _(shivers)_ Mom! Dad! You guys, wait up! _(runs after her family)_

_(closing credits)_


End file.
